Testing the Waters.

So last night I sat and wondered if I was setting myself up for a fall, doing too much all at once. I got scared and lost my confidence in my abilities. I thought how stupid it was to start a blog, to try and sell Younique and to attempt Uni. I'm still excited but now I feel this big daunting adventure looming over me.

Today is my little loves taster day for creche which means it's all becoming more real. It also means getting a taxi there, a taxi back and then to do it all again when I pick him up. So I'm making a plan of action haha it helps ease the anxiety if I know what I'm doing when I'm out. Should I stay at the university and check out the facilities, or ask the taxi to wait so I can run straight home? It depends on how brave I feel.

I'm hoping he doesn't cry when I leave, it will add an extra weight to my chest. I just have to remember this will be the start of something great for us both, so I'll soldier on. It might be strange to describe my son as my comfort blanket but pushing a pushchair gives me something to grip hard when I'm walking past someone. When I can't breathe or don't dare to and when my chest is tight, I just hold on. I talk at him to distract myself and look down at him to give me a reason to avoid eye contact. When he's not here my house feels empty and I feel lonely. My little boy was the 6lbs 8oz something that changed my life into something worth living.

Luckily it's only 2 hours so I won't feel too lost without him, just a bit more anxious. Once I start my course I will have something to keep me occupied in the hours he's gone and he'll be making so many new friends. Not that he has trouble with that, my social little bunny <3. He's not like his mummy. Time to get ready I suppose, wish me luck!

My Anxieties.

This is my massive step, one more in a series of steps that I have taken to increase my independence.

I've begun this blog because I have a story to tell. A story about where I have been and hopefully of where I am heading. It's a story about how I lost myself, my smile, my light. About how I was broken and ultimitely about how I struggle through life as a person petrified of life itself.

I have an invisible "illness" that cripples me, I suffer from Social Phobia. I hate the word illness to describe my mental health, perhaps it is because I feel my issues are a part of me. I feel that I have to live along side of them and accomodate for them. I have tried CBT but due to other issues along with the feeling of pressure the time-orientated CBT brings, I've have had no success thus far. I have tried anti-anxiety drugs, tablets helped when I was depressed, but the side effects I felt in the first two days of taking these just weren't realistic for me as a single mum to take time to adjust to. Instead of these treaments, for now I am going to try and persevere as I am whilst searching out alternatives.

So... I have been accepted into university! This is massive! I quit college after struggling for 1 year and a half with my anxiety, at just 18. Now at 23, with less than enough Ucas points, I am proud to say I have been accepted into my local university! This is my biggest challenge yet and yet my excitement is overriding my fear, for now. I will be taking myself and my 17 month old son, by taxi (accomodating!) to campus two days a week. Close to home, as not to isolate myself further by trying to grasp too much independence, also the creche is on site. * BIG sigh of relief*

I don't want my blog to be filled with negatives. I am positive! I live with my mental health and battle it everyday, but this is my journey for something better. Hopefully it will educate and inspire as we all struggle through life with our own demons <3